Recently, I hit a really low point in my life. I know I have a problem with controlling my emotions. I’m very up and very down, there’s never any in between and I constantly struggle with expressing my emotions in a healthy way. If I’m upset, I get really angry. Full of rage even. If I’m sad, I become completely depressed and eat myself up from the inside. Happiness comes and goes but it’s never constant. Sometimes I’ll think about things too much. Mostly because I care too much about things and relationships and interactions with other people. For the most part I try not to think too much about things. But sometimes that gets me in trouble; not thinking about what I’m doing. When something does go bad, (and through no fault of their own) people around me will tend not to tell me that I messed up. So I assume everything is ok and won’t know it until it reaches a really bad boiling point. And they tend to clam up and don’t want to tell me how to fix it. This is where my anxiety starts building. For me it manifests itself very physically. It’ll start with the basic Fight, Flight, or Freeze. For me it’s Freeze. My breath will start to get short and my lungs feel like they’re collapsing in on themselves. It gets hard to breathe and I have to strain myself to do so. So my body will overheat. As a reaction, my body will start to sweat and my mouth will get dry. So it’s like my body is doing cardio without actually moving. So my heart will start racing a mile a minute. This starts to hurt the center of my chest, as if my reactor is overloading and it feels like it could burst at any minute. It tends to hurt a lot. So much so that I have to lie down because I can’t stand on my own anymore. But the pain doesn’t subside. If I fight against it, my mind will start to short out. My head will start to get tighter and tighter around my temple area (both left and right) as if a pair of vice grips are squeezing my head together. It’s like the harder I fight to gain control, the more I short circuit. If I let it take control, a numbness will spread throughout my body. It will start at my hands and feet and slowly make it’s way to my legs and arms. When it reaches my core, my body will start to spaz out and twitch uncontrollably. It feels awful and it’s almost like you’re weightless inside your head. At this point I feel like throwing up. I feel helpless. Like I can’t do anything to control my situation or the situations that are causing it.
The thing about me is that I like to do what I can to help. I like to take things that are broken and fix them right up. When something is dirty, I want to clean it. When something isn’t working right, I’ll take it apart and clean it and repair it and put it together again. Sometimes people don’t really like to have their deals taken apart and put back together again. It’s ok, but it makes me feel like I have no say in the matter. That’s usually what triggers my anxiety. I know time heals wounds, but for me, the concept of time is… vague. Why put of things for tomorrow that can be taken care of today? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a flaw in the way I am programmed. But maybe it doesn’t have to be such a terrible thing.
Recently, I quit my job. I quit school before that. Now I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I’ve all to late, realized that I don’t have any friends, save for one or two. How did this go all screwy? How did I let it get to this point? I have nothing. I have no one. Everyone I know has passed me by, living their lives and their careers. I messed up. Really bad. I was trying to figure out how to make my life fit what I had envisioned it to be, but I wasn’t actually moving forward. Now everyone has left me behind. I thought about taking the easy way out. I thought about it for a while. No one would miss me. Maybe some. But I feel as though people would say it’s a tragedy, or maybe even expected. “Well he just couldn’t pull it together” they’d say. Or maybe “It’s a shame. If only he had asked for help”. And I’m sure someone would say “lol what a bitch, it’s good he killed himself, fuck him”. I don’t know. Maybe.
I don’t want to quit.
I don’t want to quit. It just isn’t me.
How do I know it’s not me? Because I once created a persona for myself.
Axl would be everything I could not be. Strong, fast, confident; in essence, better than just me. The truth is, he was made for someone. And for a while it worked. And I became that persona. And it was great. I was strong and fast and confident and I kicked ass and took names and I didn’t have a care in the world. But then something happened. And I messed up. A glitch. Maybe. All of a sudden this persona wasn’t a good thing. It was toxic. Anytime I felt like I succeeded, it turned out that I was only hurting people. So little by little, pieces of this persona had to be locked away. Little by little the armor was chipped and broken. It wasn’t good to be Axl anymore. And the one reason for keeping him around was slowly fading away. Almost like… a candle reaching it’s end. Slowly. The light growing dimmer. I tried to reach out. Maybe I didn’t reach out the right way.
But it’s not me.
Looking back at it all I wonder, how did this go all screwy? Where did I fuck it all up? It hurts to try to get up. It hurts to want to keep moving. I wanted so much to just let it all wash over me. To just fall and be trampled and let the world forget about me. I had no friends. None that would understand. The few that I did have, I couldn’t place that burden on them; to keep me alive as if having to make sure the machine was plugged in. And the one. She wouldn’t answer.
But it’s not me. I can feel it. As much as it hurts and as much as I want to just quit and give up, I can feel it there. That spark of life that is just… hanging on.
"Get up. Crawl if you have to. Just get up. Don’t quit. There will always be someone better than you. There will always be someone who hates you. There will always be those who won’t forgive you. And there will always be that girl who won’t love you. But you have to get up. Get up. A Spartan never dies. Reach inside yourself, you know that it’s there. Axl was made for someone, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your own. You know what you have to do."
I need to catch up. My armor is broken and I have shrapnel in my legs. My heart is bleeding out and my lungs are on fire. But I need to get up.
I know what I have to do. All this time I’ve been holding on to emotional baggage. It’s time to let go of my ego and pride and ask for forgiveness. Don’t beg for it. Just ask. Ask to be forgiven for my transgressions. I need friends and I need help. I can’t make this journey alone. I can try, but I won’t get far. I know what happens when I don’t have someone covering me. So I need to wipe the slate clean. As clean as I can get it anyway. I have to put aside my ego and let it all go.
I know what I have to do. I need to better myself. I know I have it in me to be better. It’s the same reason I got up every morning to hit the gym. It’s because I don’t want to quit. And I know I have to be stronger, and faster, and healthier. Active body; active mind. If my body is strong, my soul will also be strong. And my mind will be clear and focused. I have to push. And push. And keep pushing. It won’t be easy and it will take a long time to get there, but I cannot give in. I cannot quit.
I know what I have to do. I can’t be afraid. I can’t be afraid to risk it all. There is nothing wrong with the way I feel about things. Everything that I feel and think is valid and I cannot be afraid. Failure is there, and it is everywhere but I know that part of making the journey is deciding to actually get up and go. And there will always be such a possibility for disappointment but if I don’t go; if I don’t get up and get there, I’ll never have the chance to be pleasantly surprised as well. So I shouldn’t be afraid.
Axl, you have to get up. And you have to keep fighting. Don’t lose faith. There is someone who loves you. Don’t let her down. Don’t let yourself down. Don’t quit. Even when your armor is shattered. There’s always a chance if you get up and try.